Growing up without expectations puts a toll on those who expect something from you. Growing up without fulfilled needs but more wants dulls life’s expectations in one’s future. True, we pick characteristics and traits as we grow older, but not all will impact our lives from childhood into adulthood.
One can’t pass it unscarred. The memories and dreams stick with us throughout life. We live flipping through the leaflets from childhood, thinking more about the if-only-I-could-have moments. Any misfortune or ill-feeling we encounter later must have originated from back then. When we do, it is to blame our present on our past. I would know that because I can’t get past it no matter how much I try. There is a bald patch on the right side of my head, close to the temple. Quite small. It was an experience gone wrong with a bic shaving stick. I wonder what age I was back then. I was very young and impulsive. I think I did that to ward off the plaiting of hair. Like Beyonce said, ‘pretty hurts’; It hurt a lot, and I was not interested in having my hair plaited anymore. Then I decided to cut it all off. If it were not for the intervention of an aunty, I would have cut off all my hair. After that incident, no hair ever grew there again. So I guess I got my way though now I am filled with anguish anytime I look at it.
It will get smaller with time.
I tell myself that the bald patch would get smaller and would one day disappear completely. We never get past errors and mistakes in the past. I haven’t. It is, unfortunately, a part of us. I may fall into amnesia, but the spot on my head won’t disappear with the memory loss. Oh!, childhood, even as an adult, you are still with me. Childhood was everything and very a part of my present.
What you ignore persists. I did a lot of retrospection following the covid-19 outbreak. I realized a lot about myself. The things that I have been tolerating until now, the most perplexing was finding out how I have self-sabotaged/limited myself to please others: friends, family, and mere acquaintances. Yes! Sometimes, one should be humble to learn and grow. But downright regression is not the way forward. At first, I thought I was helping myself avoid the troubles and dangers of the world.
The woes of life meet you where you live. I had unconsciously nursed and repressed feelings and ambitions in order not to hurt or disappoint people.
I was living a life for others.
The environment I grew up in hampered a large part of my growth/ success. It made me feel small in a world so big with opportunities running amok. As a naturally easy-going person, I didn’t realize the effects on time. It is never late to unlearn and relearn. I intend to unlearn certain things in my life which I know wouldn’t be an easy feat.
The journey to greatness continues, hoping to make it to the top. It can only get better from now on.